How to Surf the Net

The easiest methods of getting about.

2002-01-15

How to Surf the Net

(C)opyright is a nasty word but the real author would appreciate being given the credit/blame he deserves and a link back to this site.

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How to Surf the Net - Introduction

Surfing the net aimlessly in the hope of finding anything that even remotely resembles what you're looking for is akin to shopping in a lard factory for low-fat food. That is, it's foolish and ultimately futile.

To get to the meat of the stringy and jaundiced beast that is the net, you have to approach surfing in a different way. There are differing methods for finding interesting and informative sites on the net but our ways are the best - trust us.

The ones we favour, and which usually turn up things we would never have found otherwise using conventional search methods, are as follows - (in a handy list format to infer to you that they will lead to fresh pages, which by gods, they will...)

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This method of searching utilises and harnesses the mystical powers of chaos (or, Kaos, as overly retentive bores would have it). You can alter the superficial technique to your own desires, but we go with the standard intuitive natural style, which is just our snappy name for going with the flow.

Here's what you do: Pick a starting site, anywhere will do, and follow a link at random. Don't worry about where it says its taking you, don't even think about it, just follow your mouse finger. Trust chaos, and it will serve you my friend. Once at this new site, follow another link immediately, the first one that you see. Don't stop to think about it, don't let your conscious mind interfere with the process and ruin everything.

Keep following random links, and soon, you will reach a site that makes you stop. This site is the destination site. It may be a site that is related to what you were wanting, or it may be an entirely unrelated site which is nevertheless, strangely fascinating to you.

Whatever the results, you'll be happy, and will have saved all that time you would have spent pissing around on search engines simply by allowing chaos to do your work for you.

With practice, the number of random links you need to follow to reach the destination site will decrease, as you become more proficient in giving yourself up to the subconscious currents of your mind and allow your fingers to do the walking…

Here at Sensibilium we have developed our chaos fingers to the extent that we find great sites even before we realise that we are looking for anything. You of course, can only dream of aspiring to the dizzy heights of our chaotic greatness, but there you go.

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Quantum Direct Method

This is such an obvious method of finding "stuff" that we are surprised that more people don't use it, but after exhaustive market research (read - harassing people when drunk) it would appear that they don't. This method didn't work quite as well a couple of years ago, but now that every man and his iguana has a domain name for their pathetic collection of holiday snaps and feeble life stories, it works SO much better. Lucky us.

It's insultingly simple, and if you haven't done this before then you are an embarrassment to the human race and you really should consider shooting yourself to protect future generations from your low quality genes. So, pick a word that sums up what you're looking for, or is related to the area. Type it into the address bar with the appropriate prefixes and suffixes. Of course if you're that dumb then I'll have to remind you that by this I mean you need to put www. BEFORE the word, and .com, .org, .net, or any other domain suffix you feel like AFTER the word. Got it? Good.

With any luck this will take you directly to a site that is exactly what you're looking for, or has links to what you're looking for. If it fails, as it does sometimes, try using a different suffix until you get some results. This is a good method if your area of interest is quite broad and not focused upon specific information. Out of curiosity, a year or so ago, we typed in www.hell.com and the result was quite pleasing and somewhat unnerving.

One thing you may notice from using this method is the huge number of fuckwits that are buying up really cool domain names and wasting them on their half-assed, waste-of-space sites. Our advice here is to email the webmaster and insult them roundly for using up such great domain names which they clearly have no right owning. Better still, do a bit of investigation, go round to their houses and beat the shit out of them, preferably killing them.

Then, someone else can have their domain name, maybe even you. It may seem that we are suggesting that you resort to violence and possibly even murder anyone who possesses something that you covet. This is correct.

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