The Discordian Manifesto

Use as toilet paper before reading

Originally published: 17th August, 2002

As revealed to Horab Fibslager, tfw by the voice in his head

Note: Horab Fibslager finds terrorism fairly disgusting and thinks it is one of several things wrong with the world in which we live. However he also wonders, "How would we be able to have a war on terrorism if it didn't exist?" Goddess willing, the terrorists will choke on their boots and there stomachs roasted in hell. They are already committing suicide, the dogs.

#000001 in a series of five

Originally published: 17th August, 2002

"Wipe thine ass with what is Written and grin like a ninny at what is Spoken. take thine refuge with thine wine in the Nothing behind Everything, as you hurry along the Path"

-the purple sage

I think it is funny that when you look up Discordianism on any given search engine these days, you are bound to be confronted with hundreds of thousands of sites, only to find that they are all the same damn thing. over and over again, these people who have worked a number of hours on a site, but it can be found in a dozen other permutations all over the net. so WTF?
did these people actually read the PD?
or did they look at the pages then decide to regurgitate it into HTML?
now i know it it is tradition to argue about the dogma and whatnot, but isn't just a little undiscordian and greyface-like (to use the ol' metaphor), and not to mention redundant to html'ize the PD over and over again?
let us not forget that the revelation came to a couple of beatniks who, zonked out, forged something the world had not seen for 3125 years.
do not forget that among the most fundamental pieces of dogma in that text which would become the cornerstone of modern heresy was to be as heretical as possible.
i myself eat hot dogs on thursdays WITH the bun.
i dont give two shits about Yorba Linda, and hope to never go to such a goddess forsaken place (the most holy place for me is where the green and reddish (and sometimes purple or orange) flowers grow, the bush with a couple of logs to sit on, or where ever flowers are smoked).
These greyface clones should lighten up and not take what was written so seriously. if they could only smoke a doobie write some nonsense, (or some sense) and maybe write something not written by the non-prophets, maybe we could kick homogeny's ass once and for all!
cuz like some asshole once wrote "divided we stand, United we fall"
Hail!

Pagetop

#2 in a series of six

Originally published: 17th August, 2002

Todays topic is tradition among Discordians.
now before i start, i must admit i have never met a fellow discordian in the flesh, and goddess knows i never hope to. but even all alone i practice some traditions, such as playing "sink", eating hotdogs on thursdays (with the bun!) arguing not only about the saints, but about anything at all (even if i am wrong and know it).
so here are a few traditions i practice in the name of our lady, even if nobody else does, even the people who practice them with me. So here we go; first off, i'll start with the feast of St. Cuckaracha. St. Cuckaracha was once a marijuana cigarette, who was smoked down till he was just a roach.
St. Cuckaracha was then put in a cigarette pack, put in a pocket of a winter jacket, and forgotten. Winter turned to spring which turned to summer which turned to fall and finally back to winter again, at which time the once inanimate roach, crawled out of the cigarette pack and began a moving rendition of "hello my darling"
Now roaches do not generally do this, and you can be sure we were quite flabbergasted at this, being quite near sober, and definitely not hallucinating. so when St. Cuckaracha stopped his song and dance, we asked "who are you and why are you here?"
to which he replied, "I am St. Cuckaracha, and i have come to tell you go forth and party hearty, drink lots of beer and liquor, Smoke lots of marijuana, and enjoy yourselves in a merry fashion each friday in my name."
Thusly each friday after the daily work has been completed, those who have been touched by the words of St. Cuckaracha partake in a feast in his name. feast partakers can often be heard exclaiming "Happy Cuckaracha day!" to each other and innocent pedestrians.
Then there is the tradition of telling people to have a nice day, even if you hate them. this tradition spread pretty fast around my home town so that you would watch a fight where one guy would really kick the other guys ass, and afterwords they would tell each other to have a nice day.
the last tradition is to get really drunk on new years eve. of course i think everybody does that so... Have a Nice Day!

Pagetop

#3 in a series of 8

Originally published: 17th August, 2002

how to hunt a fnord

above all to hunt a fnord and be successful you must have an iron will, be chockful of grit, and be very much mad. in addition to these essential characteristics, one should have these other bare essentials*:

* this list is for one person, if one person were enough to take the mighty fnord.

first you must search for recent signs of fnord habitation. signs of fnords range from reports of locals seen or found to have been "ripped in two as if by the jaws of some great beast", to large numbers of traffic accidents. once you have found an area with signs of fnord habitation, you will need the multicolour 3d glasses in order to see it since fnords are naturally invisible.
when you see it you will only see 1/5 of it but, it is the most unimaginably ugliest, disgusting, horrifying, terror inspiring, and vile creature you will ever see. it is 8ft has 16 small eyes surrounding one large, baleful eye, 23 mouths, 8^8 tentacle like arms, six centipede-like legs, is covered by a hair like shag, and excretes a foul smelling pus from its skin. attract it with the green scarf.
you will need the long pole to stab it in the mouth. this will enrage, and confuse it. then you must use the chainsaw to cut off its arms and legs. by this time you will be covered in the fnord's blood and will feel nauseated and befuddled, but continue on!
you must then haul the dead or dying beast and strap it to the roof of your car. find a good spot to have a barbeque, prepare a large firepit and skewer the beast over the pit. rottiserie and season with cannibis, beer, and tequila to taste.

Pagetop

#00004 in a series of 23

Originally published: 17th August, 2002

a lot can be said for "salvation through nonsense".
Emperor Norton succeeded in many ways where others had failed and his principle tool was nonsense.
Instant Gratification has worked unbelievably well for the American economy.
There is also a huge religion around golf.
religion has long been called nonsense by those who don't practice it.
but i find it strangely fulfilling.
eating no meat of pork could be considered somewhat nonsensical. pigs are perfectly edible animals and without them we wouldn't have bacon bits. well like i said above; alot can be said about salvation through nonsense, but if you want to hear any more about you'll just have to find someone else. i have to do my laundry now.

Pagetop

#6 in a series of 5

Originally published: 17th August, 2002

z. in the beginning there was naught but the two condiments; ketchup and mayo.
y. and someone did take the ketchup and the mayo.and put them together in a 4oz. cup.
x. and as such, there was a struggle. the mayo fighting against the ketchup. and the ketchup to overcome the mayo.
w. but in the end both submitted to the endless and subtle forces of chaos. to homogeny and uniformity. to balance and formlessness.
v. and someone took a french-fry and dipped it into the sauce. and tasted it. and in tasting it saw that it was good. and give it the sauce a name.
u. and it, the sauce, was named kayo sauce. and the process by which ketchup and mayo could be transmuted into thus was named.
t. and thusly was this process named mayo dynamicity.

Pagetop

GENUINE AND AUTHENTIC

Originally published: 17th August, 2002

Accept No Imitations

USE AS TOILET PAPER BEFORE READING

We of the Discordian Movement assert that there is no movement but the Discordian Movement. All other movement is in violation of copyright laws and is ordered to cease and desist immediately. We believe that despite being perfectly real, Eris is also a metaphor through which one may express the apeture of the Discordian Movement. We also Assert that her sister Aneris, also perfectly real, is also another metaphor expressing the banks through which the discordian movement flows. we also grandiosely assert that Emperor Joshua Nortan and Jesus of Nazereth, et al., despite being the offspring of deities were also human beings, through whose examples we may all aspire to be human beings. We deny verbosely that cat food is nutritious; and demand that all vegetarians not eat meat - more for the rest of us - except on thursdays, when they should henceforth be required to eat of hot dogs. We of the Discordian Movement believe that pencils are blasphemous, not to mention potentially booby trapped, and that all pencils be burned or crucified at one's earliest convenience. We assert that all humans beings, excepting cabbages, who according to the latest intelligence, may be masquerading as humans, are members of the Discordian movement - whether they are aware of it or not is inconsequential.

We of the Discordian movement claim solidarity with the food franchises of North America, the corporate machine, the international taxpayers federation, the association of polluting industries, THEM, and unionized workers across the globe; may your deeds speed forth the critical energy quotient and hurry the day when machines rule the world. We support our brothers of the Michigan Militia, the Republican Vanguard, the Democratic Caucus for American Global Domination, All terrorist organizations and regimes, Goddess willing your actions will bring forth righteously a new era wherin children of all ethnic and religious backgrounds may play with grenades in the streets and be judged not by accident of birth but by their ability to dodge bullets. We of the Discordian movement pledge ourselves to bring forth the messages of the Moral Majority, the Greater Apathetic majority, the arnold swarzcheneger for president committee, the give beer a chance activists, the Aneristic Liberation Front, and the church of Kurt cobain died for our sins.

Once upon a time, there was this guy. let's call him Jeb. Jeb's mother asked him to pick up a few things at the local convenience store. She told him, "Now Jeb, I'd like you to pickpick up some eggs, some bacon, a six pack of beer, 3 packs of smokes, two packs of gum, some rolling papers, a guatemalen fruitbat, some tomatoes, lettuce, dead cabbage, precooked chicken, processed cheese, and a package of femine hygiene products. Jeb said sure and went on down to the convenience store. Unfortunately, when he got there, there was a sign claiming there was an extreme shortage of guatemalen fruitbats. Painfully aware that he needed one to fulfill his mother's request (btw her name is Glenda), he began calling everyone he could. He phoned his girlfriend's sister, he called the national security agency, the federal and wildlife commission, the local crimestoppers, he even called in the cavalry. Alas, no one could help poor Jeb, who went home short of a guatemalen fruit bat. His mother was not impressed.

We of the discordian movement recognize the sanctity of Marijuana, and that it is the body of Eris, and when smoked through transjuxtaposition it becomes the breathe of and life of Emperor Joshua Norton. We assert wholly that any cannibas or cannibas product smoked without inhalation is an affront to the sensibilities of good moral people everywhere, and more to the point a waste of a good time. We demand that all law enforcement agencies immediately reimburse discordians everywhere for infringing upon our sacred sacriment.

We of the Discordian Movement Believe that all relationships are equally possible , and that all such vestiges of such relations be recognized as being a person's choice even if one fails to understand the valence of such relations. Thusly we believe that a man and a toad can live happily ever after.

We of the Discordian movement claim unabated solidarity with everyone we missed, who we might be inclined to be solid with. We also henceforth condemn nothing and condone everything. And verily are we both Ancient and Justified. We have been since the loins of the Earth gave birth to the rise of humankind, and so shall we be when anarchist nihilist horde of grossly disfigured fried chicken mutants roam the post armageddon wastelands of our lovely Earth. We find our Justification wherever we might, as if justification were necessary, which it aint, but were it, we would be wholly justified. We of the Discordian Movement heretoforth declare ourselves and our intentions thusly; we shall endeavour to do what we will, will what we do, even if we don't really want to. It is our unequivocal and decidedly holy mission to go forth and do stuff - or not. We shall also endeavour henceforth to join in the search for slack and to pass along such slack freely and without prejudice. Goddess willing our deeds will be fruitful, and bear seed which will spread throught the cosmos verily.
plant your seeds

Pagetop