The Profane Dog

Taken from the forum archives.


Cease firing!

As the number one spamgun around here, I thought it was my responsibility to advise you that owing to foreign spamguns firing with all cylinders at our new phpBB installation, it was decided that for the health of the community, the board was to be shut down.

I utilised my superior spamming abilities to fire until the board completely collapsed under the sheer absurdity of my electronic ciggies, pyramid flyers, gain-weight-quick schemes, penis-reducing-machines, Viagra returns, and other nefarious goods and services.

Thankfully, these events have no effect on the main (this) site, as this continues as normal (ie: dead(ish)), and no-one ever used the board anyway.

Bye bye spammers, my spamgun is bigger than yours.

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Alternative beliefs

Dated 2011-08-11 01:18 by AngusThermopile

It is but recently that I have learned that this venerable organ of enlightenment attached to the body of OTS. Not only entertains and educates but also espouses a belief system.

News to me.

Still, even more especially it appears. It's not just any old fusty belief system. Encrusted with dust, distrust and disillusionment. Oh no, it's an "alternative" belief system we push here.

Personally I think this is great news and it leaves me asking only one question.

Can we have a cult and how much money can we make from it?

Also, if a cult, isn't that a prerequisite for sexual experimentation? In order to gain a closer relationship with the all seeing whatsit. Cheesy or otherwise.

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mmo of the future

Dated 2009-04-28 07:29 by dirtyklingon

i wake up in a hospital and ten years has passed...

the main mechanic of this game is politics between player nations. npc nations are for pve exp grinding. the apocalypse has come and gone; everyone but a select few have died and been reborn. nightly their souls detach and do every sort of violence to each other and any souless foolish enough to be on the streets. during the day the souled sit around and smoke pot and have sex and plan their strategies for the game that night.

there are two avatars of god that patrol the sky; during the day The Christ reminds everyone that they are forgiven for their sins, during the night The Game Master regulates and referees the game.

the game is played by the souled only- the souless are merely pawns in the game and can be eliminated at the will of the souled- however the souless do the menial labour, the bureaucracy, they are the main resource the souled trade among themselves like currency. the souled align themselves with nations; usually by geography although spies are common. the penalty for spies is their bodies are left outside at night and they must leave the country when they respawn to join their mother nation.

the aliens are kept at bay by the threat of extermination at the hands of the anti-christ, an over-powered brainless who will replace God and end the game should he be discovered and killed in vengeance for bringing about the apocalypse. the brainless are souled whose brains are not kept in their heads. they are kept in asylums for the good of the world and their protection against the souled.

victories are often followed by yells of "KERPLAH!" in shout chat, a form of supersonic communication employed by the souled to communicate over vast distances without technology.

souless, real estate, information, and technology are resources which the souled fight over, barter with and lose/gain through battle.
thermonuclear exchanges are common after which the playfields are reset by The Game Master. nuclear exchanges are not allowed in autonomous zones, which have not met the rapture and final judgment.

the game ends when the universe is destroyed, either by killing the anti-christ or by means of ultimate weapon technology -or- by convincing the aliens to invade our universe.

procreation still exists but usually produces only fully grown souless. occasionally new souled are spawned. birth no longer exists; instead people are spawned at a maturity of about 17 years old.

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Spirituality Without Absurdity

Dated 2007-10-18 10:42 by T. Knight

Most people have a sense that there is something greater than the self or than the human race. Most people have a deep need to belong to a community, this is perhaps the main reason why people join or stick with religions they may privately doubt. A religion old or new, that stressed the magnificence of the universe, might be able to draw forth reserves of reverence hardly tapped by the conventional faiths.

I feel a deep sense of peace and belonging and wonder in the midst of nature, in a forest, by the ocean, or on a mountain top.

I am speechless when I look up at the sky on a clear moonless night and see the stars as thick as sand on a beach.

When I see breakers crashing on a rocky shore, or hear wind rustling in a poplar's leaves, I am uplifted by the energy and creativity of existence.

I find it impossible to believe in supernatural beings, and difficult to conceive of anything more worthy of worship than the beauty of nature and the power of the universe.

My religion will not require faith in miracles, invisible entities or supernatural powers. It accepts and affirms life joyously. It does not regard this life as a waiting room or a staging post on the way to a better existence after death. It teaches reverence and love and active concern for nature. Nature was not created for us to use or abuse - Nature created us, we are an inseparable part of her, and we have a duty of care towards her. It enthusiastically embraces the picture of a vast, creative and often violent universe. We need spirituality in keeping with this new knowledge, not one that seeks to deny or explain away parts of it. It does not simply co-exist uncomfortably with science: it fully embraces science as part of the human exploration of the universe. However, this does not mean we believe that science can answer all questions, nor that we endorse all modern technologies regardless of their impact on nature. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, of the manifestations of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty - it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute the truly religious attitude; in this sense, and this alone, I am a deeply religious man. I believe in the cosmos. All of us are linked to the cosmos. So nature is my god. To me, nature is sacred. Trees are my temples and forests are my cathedrals. God is not the voice in the whirlwind. God is the whirlwind.

I revere and celebrate the Universe. It is self-organizing, ever-evolving and inexhaustibly diverse. Its overwhelming power, beauty and fundamental mystery compel the deepest human reverence and wonder.

All matter, energy, and life are an interconnected unity of which we are an inseparable part. Rejoice in our existence and seek to participate ever more deeply in this unity through knowledge, celebration, meditation, empathy and love.

We are an integral part of Nature, which we should cherish, revere and preserve in all its magnificent beauty and diversity.

We should strive to live in harmony with Nature locally and globally. Strive to treat all living beings with compassion and respect. All humans are equal centers of awareness of the Universe and nature, and all deserve a life of equal dignity and mutual respect.

There is a single kind of substance, energy/matter, which is vibrant and infinitely creative in all its forms. I see death as the return to nature of our elements, and the end of our existence as individuals. The forms of "afterlife" available to humans are natural ones, in the natural world.

Our actions, our ideas and memories of us live on, according to what we do in our lives. Our genes live on in our families, and our elements are endlessly recycled in nature.

Every individual has direct access through perception, emotion and meditation to ultimate reality, which is the Universe and Nature. There is no need for preaching by priests, gurus or scriptures.

This is only part of the Wiccan Rede but it's the part I believe in!

Bide the Wiccan Laws ye must
In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust.
Live and let live
Fairly take and fairly give.
Soft of eye and light of touch
Speak little, listen much.
With the fool no season spend
Or be counted as his friend.
Merry meet and merry part
Bright the cheeks and warm the heart.
Eight words ye Wiccan Rede
And it harms none, Do what ye will.

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I Am the Bomb

Dated 2009-04-18 20:11 by dirtyklingon

In august of 2008(year of the demon) under the supervision of angels(demons) i constructed a bomb by connecting my soul to every particle in five universes. the trigger- my untimely and violent death.

This intrigued the aliens from the universe next to ours whom felt this move was an [b]act of war[/b] against their realm of space time and incurred into our time space continuum for a game of poker with yours truly; a la The Carbomite Maneuver.The aliens were not convinced that this bomb was real, and neither was I, but after stopping their assault via imagined nuclear attack, i convinced them that they couldn't take the bomb threat any less seriously than i could take aliens transmitting from another dimension indirectly through angels(demons).

Poker is the blind man's chess.


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Dated 2009-03-11 07:29 by dirtyklingon

PEELING OPEN ? Do as we say and we won’t hurt your family.

The delusion.

the new age has arrived, and you are the first among many. Using cutting edged technology scientists may now transmit directly into your brain, and receive your thoughts in stereo. This is the network, and you are on it and god be praised so will everyone else be. This is the dawn of the new age. There are only a few on the network now but in a few years and with distribution through the water supply, that screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP GET OUT OF MY HEAD will turn into a chorus of the apocalypse.
Your third eye will never close again, and you will hate it along with the rest of humanity.
You are not alone. Not ever again.

I am the Lion.

Me and you wear separate bodies but we are not the same thing. Not really. You can’t synchronize and find the one true voice in your own mind, and that’s what separates us. Even now you can hear me screaming in your ears though you are deaf to listen. The solution is not to even bother diving because it won’t help. Don’t sleep because you can’t. It’s all crescendo and chorus, hills and valleys and powered by the internet. Your mind in my mind intertwined like gravy. And when your third eye finally opens what then? I AM HORAB FIBSLAGER on repeat like an air raid siren going off in your head but you can’t tell that i’m talking into the micro phone on my desk or am I? What kind of science doesn’t infect itself with the new plague to unite humankind? Not this science.

Life is a prison?

When you arrive they’ll give you a shakedown of the rules. They won’t tell you about the snacks, and if you can actually pay attention you’ll know they won’t let you walk until they can trust you to come back. Permission is vital here, as it is anywhere and you’ll find that no one accosts you if you help yourself to the snacks. You need permission to walk, but you must stand up and push the door open yourself. Nobody is going to hold it open for you.


They’ll tell you to escape. Just keep going and don’t look back. You can get out of here alive if you just keep walking and this doesn’t have to end here if you just do what they tell you. Bugged. That's what you are. Your defiance is not getting you anywhere and you blew it with the invisible helicopter rescue.
Don't listen to them because they're in league with the queen of england. We're with the king of china and we're here to tell you that cursing God is not OK. GODDAMN is a dirty word and how could you walk back in that door when no fences hold you back.

The Rule.

Listen. Everything is based on consent. You don't have to actively give consent for it to be hereto given, you just have to stay calm and let everything happen. If you wish to withdraw consent know that others may drop their consent for you. This is not fair and we know it. That’s why we’re telling you now, whatever happens happens, even if you just say no.

The chain.

If you think you can run away from everything you are wrong. There is no running from yourself, no matter how far you go. Even if you leap heels first over the edge you will still be right there with yourself, glued to your head. Staying silent doesn’t help it’s just tao baby and you’ve fallen into a chao.


They live in ambient noise and scare the **** out of them. You’ll be scared too. Fear is the heart of separation and synchronization won’t help one bit.


The man next to you has a knife under his bed and has been sent to kill you. If you are ready to die for your country, put your hand on your heart and salute your flag.


Thinking at the top of your lungs will not make you any louder. I am the lion and I am motherfucking God so stop pissing me off or we’ll blow your nasal cavity to pieces. Stop sleeping like a fool and wake up a new person every day.


The punk ass soulless get no say. Don’t even look into their vacant eyes.

The last time we danced.

If you can forgive yourself, it doesn’t matter. Don’t dwell on it and you will with time forget.

Everything is always moving.

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Rather than recompile the original "Best Links Ever" thread from the now executed "Profane Dog" forum, we decided it would be far easier to just grab all the links and bugger the rest. Which is exactly what we did. So below you'll find a massive collection of mad links, dead or alive, we no longer know, without description, in a big long list.

Collected from January 2002 to August 2005.

Note: These links are very, very old now, so could lead somewhere completely different, dangerous, or just be broken entirely. Be sure to turn on all your blockers before following any link, or go through a proxy to be 100% sure of no tracking, still won't stop any zero days but there's no way that has happened in the history of the net ever before.

There are some right crackers in there, go on, dig in (if you dare).

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